A few months ago, I experienced the most severe episode of recurrent major depressive disorder I’ve ever faced. I’ve come a long way since then, and I still have a long way to go.
Last night, a friend reached out and asked me if I was okay.
“Honestly,” I replied, “I’ve been riding the struggle bus for the last few days.”
I didn’t want to lie, as so many of us do, and say everything was fine. I also didn’t want to become Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, or Complaining Chris.
She asked, “How can I help?”
I’ve been thinking about that question ever since because, at the time, I honestly didn’t know.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want help. It was that I had no idea what kind of help I wanted.
I was hungry for community. Angry because other people had caused me pain and because I’d made choices that allowed some of it to happen. Lonely for genuine connection. Tired of feeling tired.
And yet, I was grateful that she asked.
Because, in its own way, simply asking was helping.
When Depression Tells You That You Don’t Matter
One of the most painful parts of depression is the feeling that you don’t matter.
It’s not simply believing that you no longer matter to one particular person. It’s the feeling that you don’t matter to anyone. It’s the terrifying belief that the lives of the people you love would actually be easier if you didn’t exist.
That feeling can appear out of nowhere when something reminds you of memories you’d rather forget. It grows stronger when people get busy and don’t reach out. It grows when messages go unanswered or conversations fade away.
And depression has a cruel way of taking all of those ordinary events and turning them into evidence that its lies are true.
Your fears reinforce it.
Your regrets reinforce it.
Your own negative thoughts reinforce it.
Some of you reading this have never experienced that feeling. I hope you never do.
Some of you may think everyone feels this way sometimes and that you simply have to push through it. I hope that approach continues to work for you.
And some of you are quietly thinking, “Yes. I’ve been there too.”
If that’s you, thank you.
Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone.
The Little Things Help More Than You Know
The truth is, checking in helps.
Asking, “How are you?” helps.
Asking, “How can I help?” helps.
Reminding someone that they matter helps.
Connection helps.
Time helps.
Healing isn’t usually one dramatic breakthrough. More often, it’s dozens or hundreds of small moments where people remind you that you’re still worth loving, even when your own brain is trying to convince you otherwise.
If You’re the One Who Is Struggling
If you’re feeling like you don’t matter right now, here are a few things that might help.
Reach out to people you care about. Let them know you’re thinking of them. Start a conversation.
If they can’t respond, or don’t respond right away, give them the benefit of the doubt. They may have something happening that has nothing to do with you.
At the same time, don’t spend your life chasing people who never make room for you. If someone consistently ignores your attempts to connect, it’s okay to stop investing your energy there. Relationships go both ways.
Be patient. Just because someone hasn’t reached out yet doesn’t mean they won’t.
Be honest. If someone asks how you’re doing, don’t automatically say everything is fine when it isn’t. People can’t care about what they don’t know. If you need something, say so. The answer might be no, but giving someone the opportunity to help is better than never giving them the chance.
Most importantly, become your own best friend.
Remind yourself that other people’s availability is not a measure of your worth.
Remind yourself that your people are out there, even if you haven’t found all of them yet.
Remind yourself that life has been better before and that it can be better again.
Remind yourself how far you’ve already come.
Remind yourself of your strength.
Not everyone experiences what you’re experiencing. Depression is hard. It takes strength to sit with painful emotions instead of pretending they don’t exist. It takes strength to ask for help. It takes even more strength to ask again after you’ve already asked once.
Sometimes recovery means continuing to do all of the right things long before those things begin to work.
Don’t suppress the pain.
But don’t build a home inside it, either.
If Someone You Love Has Depression
If you care about someone who struggles with depression, don’t underestimate how much the little things matter.
Check in once in a while.
Remind them that they matter to you.
Ask if they’re okay.
Offer help.
Even if they can’t tell you what they need, your willingness to ask reminds them they aren’t alone.
Try not to judge.
Try not to preach.
Resist the urge to immediately solve the problem unless they’ve asked you to.
Instead, offer encouragement.
Offer your time.
If they’re open to suggestions, offer those too. If they aren’t, accept that.
Sometimes the greatest gift isn’t fixing someone’s pain.
It’s sitting beside them while they carry it.
I’m Still Healing
I’m incredibly grateful for every person who offered help during the worst of my depression.
Because of you, I’ve come a long way.
I haven’t reached the end of this journey yet. I still have hard days. I still need help sometimes.
But I’m still here because I keep doing the things that help, even when they don’t seem to be working yet.
I have hope because I can feel the wounds healing.
And I know I matter because people keep reminding me that I do.
Sometimes that’s exactly what I need to hear.
Your Turn
What are some ways you show people that they matter?
What are some ways people have shown you that you matter?
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Thank you for reading.
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