The algorithms know way too much about us.
Sometimes it’s useful. Sometimes it’s creepy. Sometimes it’s both.
Since my last relationship ended in December, I’ve been inundated with ads promising to help me understand why my relationship failed, what women want, and what’s wrong with me. Every scroll seems to bring another self-proclaimed relationship expert offering a course, coaching program, or secret formula.
Writing about why this is a problem is a topic for another day.
Today, though, I found myself reflecting on a particular ad that crossed my feed. It claimed that women want a strong man who makes them feel safe. Naturally, it promised to sell me an online course that would explain exactly what “strong” means.
The thing is, I don’t think strength is nearly as mysterious as that ad wanted me to believe.
I think I already know what strength means.
And I think it applies just as much to women and nonbinary people as it does to men.
Strength Is Not the Absence of Feelings
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that strength means being unaffected.
Don’t cry.
Don’t struggle.
Don’t let anyone see that something hurts.
But strength doesn’t mean having no feelings.
It means having feelings—good ones and bad ones—and being willing to experience them.
It means admitting when you’re overwhelmed.
It means asking for help when those feelings become too much to carry alone.
Anyone can pretend they’re fine.
Real strength is being honest when you’re not.
Strength Is Persistence
Strength doesn’t mean never wanting to give up.
Most people who have accomplished anything meaningful have wanted to quit at some point.
Strength means trying again anyway.
It means getting out of bed when you’d rather stay there.
It means making one more phone call, submitting one more application, going to one more meeting, taking one more step.
Strength isn’t the absence of discouragement.
It’s persistence in the presence of discouragement.
Strength Is Caring Without Becoming a Martyr
Strength doesn’t mean cutting everyone who is struggling out of your life.
Life is hard. People go through difficult seasons. Sometimes those seasons make them unpleasant to be around.
Strength means caring about people who are hurting, even when they aren’t at their best.
It means showing compassion while they’re working through grief, depression, illness, addiction, fear, or loss.
But strength also means recognizing when unpleasantness becomes abuse.
It means understanding that caring about someone does not require tolerating behavior that harms you.
Sometimes strength means creating distance.
Sometimes it means ending a relationship.
Sometimes it means walking away while still hoping the other person finds healing.
Those things can all be true at the same time.
Strength Is Taking Risks
Strength doesn’t mean playing it safe.
It means taking informed risks and accepting that some of them won’t work out.
It means applying for the job you might not get.
It means asking someone on a date when they might say no.
It means starting the business that might fail.
It means trying something new even when you could embarrass yourself.
Failure isn’t evidence of weakness.
Avoiding everything that might fail is.
Strength means learning from your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
Strength Is Responsibility
Strength doesn’t mean blaming everyone else for the choices that didn’t work out.
It means taking responsibility for your decisions.
It means acknowledging your mistakes.
It means making amends when you’ve hurt someone.
But strength also means refusing to take responsibility for things that were never yours to carry.
You are responsible for your choices.
You are not responsible for everyone else’s choices.
Some things are outside your control.
Some people will hurt you despite your best efforts.
Some opportunities will disappear.
Some relationships will end.
Strength is learning to tell the difference between what belongs to you and what doesn’t.
Strength Is Knowing Your Worth
Strength means knowing your worth and recognizing the worth of others.
It means understanding that your value is not determined by your income, your relationship status, your appearance, your productivity, or the opinions of strangers on the internet.
It also means recognizing that other people have value, too.
Strength doesn’t require domination.
It doesn’t require superiority.
It doesn’t require winning every argument.
Strength can be confident without becoming arrogant.
Strength Requires Balance
Strength is full of contradictions.
Strength means being able to compromise without compromising your values.
Strength means striving to make peace while being willing to fight for what’s right.
Strength means being grateful for the good things, even when it feels like the bad things are winning.
Strength means stepping back from the edge when you’re about to give up.
Strength means putting yourself out there and being willing to be rejected.
Strength means rebuilding when your life has been destroyed, but not necessarily rebuilding the same life in the same way.
Strength means protecting yourself while remaining willing to trust again.
Strength means expressing your needs instead of expecting people to read your mind.
Strength means knowing that you could hurt someone and choosing not to.
What Strength Looks Like
The truth is that strength looks different for everyone.
It’s the woman who leaves her abuser, rebuilds her life, and eventually finds love again.
It’s the person who was born a man and, deep down, knows that she is a woman and chooses to live as her authentic self.
It’s the young widow raising children after losing her partner.
It’s the person with a disability who gets up every morning and navigates a world that wasn’t designed with them in mind.
It’s the person who has a mental health crisis, goes to the hospital, gets the treatment they need, commits to recovery, and keeps recommitting every time life knocks them down.
It’s the addict who gets clean and stays clean.
It’s the recovering alcoholic who gets sober and stays sober.
It’s the child who grows up in poverty.
It’s the parent who is doing the best they can with what they have.
Strength is everywhere once you know what you’re looking for.
You Don’t Learn Strength From a Course
The ad wanted to sell me a course about strength.
Maybe it was a good course. Maybe it wasn’t.
But I don’t think strength is something anyone can sell you.
You learn strength through life.
You learn it through joy.
You learn it through failure.
You learn it through success.
You learn it through heartbreak.
You learn it through healing.
You learn it through trauma.
You learn it through recovery.
You learn it through persistence.
You learn it through getting knocked down and getting back up again.
You learn it from every experience that changes you.
The difficult ones.
The beautiful ones.
And all the ordinary ones in between.
You Are Strong
If you’ve made it this far, there’s a good chance you’ve already survived things that once seemed impossible.
Maybe you’re carrying scars nobody can see.
Maybe you’re rebuilding something that broke.
Maybe you’re taking a risk.
Maybe you’re asking for help.
Maybe you’re simply getting through today.
Those things count.
I am strong.
And so are you.
Share in the comments what makes you strong.
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Thank you for reading.
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