Have you ever known about a situation where someone was harmed?
Have you ever faced a decision about whether to say something, knowing that whatever you chose would come with consequences?
Maybe you felt protective of someone, disappointed in them, hurt by them, and angry with them all at the same time. Maybe you worried that speaking up would only create drama. Maybe you felt like you were finally starting to heal and didn’t want to reopen an old wound. Maybe the events happened so long ago that you wondered whether it would matter anymore. Maybe you assumed someone else would say something, so you didn’t have to. Maybe you convinced yourself that no one was seriously hurt and that you were making a big deal out of nothing.
Have you ever felt like that?
If you have, you’re not alone. It helps me to have a framework for making hard decisions. Maybe it’ll be helpful to you too.
Start by Accepting Your Feelings
When we’re faced with difficult situations, our first instinct is often to judge ourselves for how we feel.
We tell ourselves we shouldn’t be angry. We shouldn’t be scared. We shouldn’t feel guilty. We shouldn’t still be thinking about it.
But feelings don’t disappear because we tell them to. They usually become louder.
Instead of fighting your feelings, try accepting them. Acknowledge them without allowing them to take control of your thinking. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend who came to you with the same problem.
Address yourself by name.
Think silently if that helps. Speak out loud if that feels better. Write a letter to yourself if putting words on paper makes things clearer.
Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer someone you care about.
A Framework for Making Decisions
I learned about a useful tool recently. It comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. It is a skill called DEAR MAN.
An Explanation of DEARMAN
I learned it as a client, not as a therapist. It’s usually taught as a way to communicate effectively with other people. Over time, though, I’ve found that it can also be useful when making difficult decisions. When I’m struggling to figure out what the right thing to do is, I sometimes use parts of the framework to organize my thoughts and connect my decisions to my values.
Describe
Describe the situation.
What happened? Who did it happen to? Why did it happen? Where did it happen? When did it happen?
Focus on the facts as clearly as you can.
Express
Express the feelings connected to the situation.
How did it feel to the people who were directly involved? How did it feel to you when you learned about it? How would it feel to other people if they knew?
Make room for all of those feelings without letting them make the decision for you.
Assert
Assert to yourself what’s right.
Was it a crime? Did it harm someone emotionally or physically? Could someone be harmed, emotionally or physically, in the future?
Sometimes the answer is obvious. Sometimes it isn’t. Either way, this is the point where you stop asking what is comfortable and start asking what aligns with your values.
Reinforce
Reinforce the decision by connecting it to your values.
Ask yourself what your values are. Ask yourself to seek justice for someone who was harmed, if that’s possible. Ask yourself to prevent future harm, if that’s possible. Ask yourself to prevent harm to yourself, if that’s possible.
The goal isn’t to find a perfect outcome. The goal is to understand why you’re considering a particular course of action.
Be Mindful
Be mindful to stay on topic.
To the extent that you can, focus on how you feel about the situation, not how you feel about the people. The feelings you have about the people are valid, so set them aside to deal with later. Right now, you’re focused on what you need to do about this situation.
When people we care about are involved, it’s easy to get distracted by our feelings about them. Bringing the focus back to the situation can help clarify what matters.
Appear Confident
Appear confident as you describe the decision you’ve made.
Confidence is a behavior as much as it’s a feeling. By now, you may have figured out what actions align with your values. Tell yourself what actions you’re going to take. Explain to yourself why you’ve decided to take those actions. Connect them directly to your values.
You don’t have to eliminate doubt before moving forward. Sometimes confidence means acting despite uncertainty.
Negotiate
Negotiate with yourself about what you will and won’t do.
Tell yourself what you’re willing to do, what you’re not willing to do, and why. You may be willing to tell someone who can help, but not willing to argue about it publicly. You may be willing to share what you know, but not willing to take responsibility for the outcome. You may be willing to help prevent future harm, but not willing to put yourself in danger.
One of your values may be to protect yourself. That’s okay. It needs to be part of the decision.
Doing the right thing and protecting yourself are not mutually exclusive. In many situations, both need to be considered.
The Confusing Lessons We Learn
Growing up, many of us receive conflicting messages.
We’re told not to be tattletales.
We’re also told to tell someone if we or someone else is harmed.
We’re told to stand up for what’s right.
We’re also told not to make waves.
We’re told to be honest.
We’re also told not to embarrass people.
As children, these messages can be confusing. As adults, they often remain confusing.
Adding to that is the fear of being judged.
If you don’t handle the situation “like an adult,” people might say you’re overreacting.
They might say you’re seeking attention.
They might say you’re being dramatic.
They might say you’re crazy.
Those fears can make silence feel safer than action.
Doing the Right Thing Is Hard
Doing the right thing is rarely simple.
You have to decide whether to tell.
You have to decide who to tell.
You have to decide who not to tell.
You have to decide what to say.
You have to decide what not to say.
None of those decisions are easy.
But if you believe someone has been harmed, or that someone could be harmed in the future, then it’s worth considering whether there is someone who should know.
Maybe they can take action.
Maybe they can’t.
Maybe all they can do is be more careful.
Sometimes that’s enough.
We all have a responsibility to do our best to address harm and reduce the likelihood of future harm. That doesn’t mean we are responsible for the outcome. It means we are responsible for deciding whether our actions align with our values.
You need to protect yourself by telling the right people.
You do not need to protect the person who caused the harm.
In fact, protecting them may create opportunities for future harm.
Will justice always happen?
No.
Will future harm always be prevented?
No.
But neither of those things can happen if nobody tries.
And sometimes, trying is the most important thing we can do.
A Question for You
How do you decide what the right thing is when every option feels difficult?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
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Thank you for reading.
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